Line By Line http://linebyline.darkbb.com/feed/? Latest topics Fri, 01 Aug 2008 00:31:12 GMT 10 Line By Line http://hitskin.com/themes/10/79/18/i_logo.png http://linebyline.darkbb.com/feed/? Excerpts (lol sian) http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/excerpts-lol-sian-t44.htm Pen&Paper
First, "succinct" is spelled wrongly. Yes, I see you've edited it.]]> Novels Fri, 01 Aug 2008 00:31:12 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/excerpts-lol-sian-t44.htm#244 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/excerpts-lol-sian-t44.htm Journey- Book 1 of the Lushenfurg Races Saga http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f11/journey-book-1-of-the-lushenfurg-races-saga-t12.htm Pen&Paper Chapter 1- The Girl Who Would Not Stop Staring Maybe she liked him. That would explain the strange, knowing stare she kept giving in class, whenever no one was looking. That would also explain the thousand-watt smile when their eyes met, and why she did not seem interested in any other guy. She had behaved rather coolly to them, in fact. It was only he, of course. Pierre allowed himself to daydream a bit more with regards to his own personal charm, before reluctantly snapping back to ... Novels Thu, 10 Jul 2008 10:05:27 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f11/journey-book-1-of-the-lushenfurg-races-saga-t12.htm#28 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f11/journey-book-1-of-the-lushenfurg-races-saga-t12.htm Journey- Book 1 of the Lushenfurg Races Saga (Pen&Paper) http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/journey-book-1-of-the-lushenfurg-races-saga-penpaper-t14.htm WaywithWords Very good so far! I can't wait to read what happens next. My only criticism would be the names....the name Jemima is awkward, and difficult for the reader to relate to. You might give her a nickname in one of the next chapters, like Jem. That way you get the uniqueness of Jemima along with the sweetness and simplicity of Jem. Also, I would shy away from Spacetons as a surname. If you're trying to allude to the fact that they are not of this world, you could say that when asked for her last name, ... Novels Thu, 10 Jul 2008 17:01:27 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/journey-book-1-of-the-lushenfurg-races-saga-penpaper-t14.htm#35 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/journey-book-1-of-the-lushenfurg-races-saga-penpaper-t14.htm No Title by WaywithWords http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/no-title-by-waywithwords-t30.htm Phoenix So I close my eyes. Focus. Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth. And I see... I see... nothing. My mind is as blank as the clean white sheet of paper sitting in front of me. For the umpteenth time I pick up my pencil, and then I immediately set it down again. Everyone says that this will help me to "work through my emotions" and "come to terms what I've been through." You know what? They all want my story so they can make a dime off of me just like the TV crews ... Novels Tue, 22 Jul 2008 08:41:36 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/no-title-by-waywithwords-t30.htm#129 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/no-title-by-waywithwords-t30.htm No Title by WaywithWords http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f11/no-title-by-waywithwords-t29.htm WaywithWords As of yet, I do not have a title for this story. I'm not far enough along in my writing process to have even started to think one up yet. As soon as I come up with one, I'll replace the "No Title" both here and in the Editor's Desk thread. Novels Mon, 21 Jul 2008 22:53:57 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f11/no-title-by-waywithwords-t29.htm#122 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f11/no-title-by-waywithwords-t29.htm excerpt of book 22 from my series. =.= http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f11/excerpt-of-book-22-from-my-series-t43.htm lol_sian
"Meet at Tampines MRT, 12pm!" Timothy's fingers flew over his handphone keypad as he sent the short and succinct message to the Chiongsters Incorporated, his club.

PS: to be continued]]> Novels Fri, 01 Aug 2008 00:25:10 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f11/excerpt-of-book-22-from-my-series-t43.htm#242 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f11/excerpt-of-book-22-from-my-series-t43.htm Premonition (Sim) http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/premonition-sim-t37.htm DayDreamer Overall it was nice. Here's a couple of things I noticed: Sim wrote:hearts and souls being metaphorically ripped to shreds I don't think you needed to specify that this was being metaphorically done. If it was just hearts, then maybe, but since it is hearts and souls together, it's obvious that it isn't meant literally. I think having 'metaphorically' in there is an unecessary aspect that detracts from the flow somewhat. Sim wrote:lovers torn, ripped apart Here you used the ... Short Stories Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:47:42 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/premonition-sim-t37.htm#169 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/premonition-sim-t37.htm Life Is War (DayDreamer) http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/life-is-war-daydreamer-t20.htm Pen&Paper , this happened to be the very same short story I ripped from Writer's Way on S*T and PM-ed to Way to let her judge if you can be teacher of the Institute. Sorry about that. Your story is indeed peppered with foul words. I had a feeling you kinda overdid it on the vulgar language, though, it feels a bit unnatural. Other than that, it's good, except that the beginning and ending don't quite synchronise. You were writing a whole paragraph about death metal and your character dying then ... Short Stories Tue, 15 Jul 2008 06:27:37 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/life-is-war-daydreamer-t20.htm#63 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/life-is-war-daydreamer-t20.htm Choices (Sim) http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/choices-sim-t38.htm WaywithWords I really enjoyed this short story! The only parts that were a bit awkward for me were the beginning and when you were giving the physical descriptions of characters. The beginning part didn't flow for me...perhaps you could consider rephrasing some of your sentences or restructuring them? The descriptions felt a little cold. When the main character is describing the man that she loves her description should be full of love and admiration for him. It didn't do it for me. Other than that, very ... Short Stories Wed, 23 Jul 2008 02:16:35 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/choices-sim-t38.htm#178 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/choices-sim-t38.htm The Evil Within (Phoenix) http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/the-evil-within-phoenix-t27.htm Pen&Paper You do write well! The personality and emotions of your characters are well-explored, the plot is gripping and the description is splendid. Perhaps if you expanded a bit on each individual character, it would be better, though. Right now, it is difficult to differentiate one boy from another, but if you devote one paragraph to the description of each boy's appearance, character and a short background, readers may get to understand each of them better, and anyone's death would turn out more impactful. ... Novels Mon, 21 Jul 2008 10:57:12 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/the-evil-within-phoenix-t27.htm#113 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/the-evil-within-phoenix-t27.htm The Question Thread http://linebyline.darkbb.com/welcome-f18/the-question-thread-t21.htm Pen&Paper Do you have any questions about this site? Maybe you're confused about how to go about writing a story, and you're afraid to PM some stranger to ask. Well, this thread is here to serve your needs. Any queries about Line By Line or writing in general can be posted here and kind members will answer your question as best as they can. WELCOME! Tue, 15 Jul 2008 06:35:34 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/welcome-f18/the-question-thread-t21.htm#64 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/welcome-f18/the-question-thread-t21.htm Out Of My Mind (WaywithWords) http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/out-of-my-mind-waywithwords-t13.htm Pen&Paper The story's really engaging and intriguing and provides much scope for all sorts of storylines, and the idea of the stone and the mystery surrounding it is developed well, but I think that perhaps you should develop your character further. It's nice that you mention she's a psychiatrist (I'm not wrong, I hope) but maybe you can elaborate more on her lifestyle, her personality, her appearance and maybe create another mystery about her. It'll lengthen the short story a little bit but it'll make ... Short Stories Thu, 10 Jul 2008 10:09:41 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/out-of-my-mind-waywithwords-t13.htm#30 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/out-of-my-mind-waywithwords-t13.htm Choices http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f9/choices-t34.htm Sim Jacqueline McClain sat up with a start and looked to her bedside table where her radio was playing a song that screamed from the nearest rock station. She would be late for work if she didn’t hurry, and she didn’t want to give her boss any more reason to be wary. She was young, 18 to be exact, so she didn’t have a great amount of job experience in the first place. It would barely hurt her boss if she were fired – he would only need a sign that posted ‘help wanted’ on the outside of the restaurant. ... Short Stories Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:56:55 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f9/choices-t34.htm#154 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f9/choices-t34.htm Premonition http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f9/premonition-t33.htm Sim Bombs flying everywhere. Destruction. Madness. People were screaming, crying; hearts and souls being metaphorically ripped to shreds. Blood was spilling – too much blood. Families destroyed, lovers torn, ripped apart. People calling names . . . ‘Ayan, Ayan -’ "Ayan Alucard!” My head jerked up. It was another dream, premonition. I looked up at the teacher, Ms. Halloway, but gave no other sign that I heard her. She was on the young side, but tremendously stern. It was almost an unspoken ... Short Stories Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:53:57 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f9/premonition-t33.htm#153 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f9/premonition-t33.htm Life Is War [Working Title] http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f9/life-is-war-working-title-t18.htm DayDreamer That title is very experimental. I just came up with it now randomly to have at least something, but I'm not too satisfied with it and it'll most likely change many times more. Ok so this is my story in the works at the moment. I'd say it'll be at the higher end of length for a short story, but still within generally accepted bounds. This is the heavily censored version, with even the lesser foul words censored out with '*'s. When the age-restricted section is in working order, the ... Short Stories Mon, 14 Jul 2008 11:24:14 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f9/life-is-war-working-title-t18.htm#58 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f9/life-is-war-working-title-t18.htm Links http://linebyline.darkbb.com/links-f17/links-t19.htm WaywithWords Some fun writing forums... http://writersinstitute.boardeducation.net/ (this one is run by Pen&Paper!) www.writers.net www.writingforums.org http://www.eliteskills.com/forum/ I am a member on the first three forums. Just look for WaywithWords or Miranda Ashbourne. Links Tue, 15 Jul 2008 00:44:33 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/links-f17/links-t19.htm#61 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/links-f17/links-t19.htm Rainfall (WaywithWords) http://linebyline.darkbb.com/poems-f12/rainfall-waywithwords-t22.htm Pen&Paper
I think the poem is kinda like opposite to its title. The title is Rainfall but your poem is about a lack of rain, which is contradictory. I don't think that's supposed to be. It isn't very long, so there aren't any other mistakes to point out. Nice try!]]> Poems Tue, 15 Jul 2008 06:40:04 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/poems-f12/rainfall-waywithwords-t22.htm#65 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/poems-f12/rainfall-waywithwords-t22.htm Out of My Mind by WaywithWords http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f5/out-of-my-mind-by-waywithwords-t17.htm WaywithWords I found the strangest thing the other day. I had just escaped from the noise of the city streets into the relative silence of my own one bedroom apartment. As per usual, I hung my coat up, put my keys on the hook, and was reaching for the phone when I noticed that the message light was blinking. Ming Palace would have to wait. After two or three messages from frantic patients, all claiming that they would die without my immediate attention, I came across a message from my mother. I pressed the ... Short Stories Sun, 13 Jul 2008 17:41:47 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f5/out-of-my-mind-by-waywithwords-t17.htm#54 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f5/out-of-my-mind-by-waywithwords-t17.htm Rainfall - A Haiku. by WaywithWords http://linebyline.darkbb.com/poems-f8/rainfall-a-haiku-by-waywithwords-t9.htm WaywithWords
Rainfall

No raindrops today
The Earth cries out for water
But gets no reply
]]> Poems Wed, 09 Jul 2008 02:40:30 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/poems-f8/rainfall-a-haiku-by-waywithwords-t9.htm#19 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/poems-f8/rainfall-a-haiku-by-waywithwords-t9.htm