http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/-t1.htm Give constructive criticism to the authors of short stories on this site. Wed, 23 Jul 2008 02:16:35 GMT 10 http://hitskin.com/themes/10/79/18/i_logo.png http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/-t1.htm http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/premonition-sim-t37.htm DayDreamer Overall it was nice. Here's a couple of things I noticed: Sim wrote:hearts and souls being metaphorically ripped to shreds I don't think you needed to specify that this was being metaphorically done. If it was just hearts, then maybe, but since it is hearts and souls together, it's obvious that it isn't meant literally. I think having 'metaphorically' in there is an unecessary aspect that detracts from the flow somewhat. Sim wrote:lovers torn, ripped apart Here you used the ... Short Stories Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:47:42 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/premonition-sim-t37.htm#169 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/premonition-sim-t37.htm http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/life-is-war-daydreamer-t20.htm Pen&Paper , this happened to be the very same short story I ripped from Writer's Way on S*T and PM-ed to Way to let her judge if you can be teacher of the Institute. Sorry about that. Your story is indeed peppered with foul words. I had a feeling you kinda overdid it on the vulgar language, though, it feels a bit unnatural. Other than that, it's good, except that the beginning and ending don't quite synchronise. You were writing a whole paragraph about death metal and your character dying then ... Short Stories Tue, 15 Jul 2008 06:27:37 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/life-is-war-daydreamer-t20.htm#63 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/life-is-war-daydreamer-t20.htm http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/choices-sim-t38.htm WaywithWords I really enjoyed this short story! The only parts that were a bit awkward for me were the beginning and when you were giving the physical descriptions of characters. The beginning part didn't flow for me...perhaps you could consider rephrasing some of your sentences or restructuring them? The descriptions felt a little cold. When the main character is describing the man that she loves her description should be full of love and admiration for him. It didn't do it for me. Other than that, very ... Short Stories Wed, 23 Jul 2008 02:16:35 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/choices-sim-t38.htm#178 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/choices-sim-t38.htm http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/out-of-my-mind-waywithwords-t13.htm Pen&Paper The story's really engaging and intriguing and provides much scope for all sorts of storylines, and the idea of the stone and the mystery surrounding it is developed well, but I think that perhaps you should develop your character further. It's nice that you mention she's a psychiatrist (I'm not wrong, I hope) but maybe you can elaborate more on her lifestyle, her personality, her appearance and maybe create another mystery about her. It'll lengthen the short story a little bit but it'll make ... Short Stories Thu, 10 Jul 2008 10:09:41 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/out-of-my-mind-waywithwords-t13.htm#30 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/short-stories-f13/out-of-my-mind-waywithwords-t13.htm