http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/-t1.htm Give constructive criticism to the authors of novels on this site. Fri, 01 Aug 2008 00:31:12 GMT 10 http://hitskin.com/themes/10/79/18/i_logo.png http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/-t1.htm http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/excerpts-lol-sian-t44.htm Pen&Paper
First, "succinct" is spelled wrongly. Yes, I see you've edited it.]]> Novels Fri, 01 Aug 2008 00:31:12 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/excerpts-lol-sian-t44.htm#244 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/excerpts-lol-sian-t44.htm http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/journey-book-1-of-the-lushenfurg-races-saga-penpaper-t14.htm WaywithWords Very good so far! I can't wait to read what happens next. My only criticism would be the names....the name Jemima is awkward, and difficult for the reader to relate to. You might give her a nickname in one of the next chapters, like Jem. That way you get the uniqueness of Jemima along with the sweetness and simplicity of Jem. Also, I would shy away from Spacetons as a surname. If you're trying to allude to the fact that they are not of this world, you could say that when asked for her last name, ... Novels Thu, 10 Jul 2008 17:01:27 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/journey-book-1-of-the-lushenfurg-races-saga-penpaper-t14.htm#35 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/journey-book-1-of-the-lushenfurg-races-saga-penpaper-t14.htm http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/no-title-by-waywithwords-t30.htm Phoenix So I close my eyes. Focus. Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth. And I see... I see... nothing. My mind is as blank as the clean white sheet of paper sitting in front of me. For the umpteenth time I pick up my pencil, and then I immediately set it down again. Everyone says that this will help me to "work through my emotions" and "come to terms what I've been through." You know what? They all want my story so they can make a dime off of me just like the TV crews ... Novels Tue, 22 Jul 2008 08:41:36 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/no-title-by-waywithwords-t30.htm#129 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/no-title-by-waywithwords-t30.htm http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/the-evil-within-phoenix-t27.htm Pen&Paper You do write well! The personality and emotions of your characters are well-explored, the plot is gripping and the description is splendid. Perhaps if you expanded a bit on each individual character, it would be better, though. Right now, it is difficult to differentiate one boy from another, but if you devote one paragraph to the description of each boy's appearance, character and a short background, readers may get to understand each of them better, and anyone's death would turn out more impactful. ... Novels Mon, 21 Jul 2008 10:57:12 GMT http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/the-evil-within-phoenix-t27.htm#113 http://linebyline.darkbb.com/novels-f15/the-evil-within-phoenix-t27.htm