Journey- Book 1 of the Lushenfurg Races Saga (Pen&Paper)

Very good so far! I can't wait to read what happens next. My only criticism would be the names....the name Jemima is awkward, and difficult for the reader to relate to. You might give her a nickname in one of the next chapters, like Jem. That way you get the uniqueness of Jemima along with the sweetness and simplicity of Jem. Also, I would shy away from Spacetons as a surname. If you're trying to allude to the fact that they are not of this world, you could say that when asked for her last name, she gave a blank stare and then said 'oh, Smith.' Or something to that effect. You get the idea. Otherwise, very interesting and I think that your main character is very likeable. Keep it coming!

Haha, I know the name sounds lame. It's really a spur-of-the-moment thing. Never mind, surnames (last names) don't really matter, but I'll think about the Jem thing.

Thanks!

Indeed interesting so far, and I'm even more interested in what's on the other side of that void.

The only things I have to mention about it specifically are:

The description of the mirror-like void. Until she stepped into it, I was imagining more of a handheld mirror-like object. So it was a moment of oddness when I read that she stepped into it, until I realised that it must have been a standing, person-sized mirror. I think it would have been smoother if the void was described more when Pierre first sees it - but it might be just me that misunderstood the size and nature of the object from your description...

The other thing was that Pierre's discovery and entry into the void felt rushed through in the sense that he might have had low hopes for actually finding her there, only to be surprised - let alone pondering more on the obvious strangeness of the void, Jemima's entry into it, and his own subsequent entry.

Though you said it didn't reveal much yet, it still would have been nice to have had a brief mention of what was going through Pierre's head from sighting the void to entering it. But if it was intended to plant the question of why he seemed unsurprised and perfectly willing to follow her into the void, then that'd be okay. Or if his thoughts at that moment are explored briefly later, that'd be good too.

Anyway, all in all, it's lookin' good so far.

I was kinda meaning him to be a little hypnotised. And dim-witted. But yeah, you're right, a bit more description is in order. I've written out the second chapter, but it's even lamer than the first, I find. Never mind, I'll put it up and cross my fingers.

And I'll give my first chapter a bit of an edit.

Isn't it weird that we're almost like the only 3 people on this forum? Oops, that's off-topic.

The edits are good, it definitely seems to read better now to me at least.

I agree, the edits make the chapter seem more polished as a whole. Looking forward to chapter 2!

I love chapter two. Jemima's point of view feels more mysterious, because initially we know so little about her. I liked that Jemima referred to Pierre as being worldly when just reading the language that she uses makes her seem wise beyond her years. It is interesting for the reader to hear a different perspective on the main character.

Thanks!

Phoenix's Post (Moved By Pen&Paper)

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Pierre allowed him to entertain more fantasies, before reluctantly snapping back to reality

I did not get that at all. Could you rephrase that?

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He was not the most handsome in the class, neither was he a class clown or whatever.

The "or whatever" bit made it seem a little unprofessional. It was like you didn't want to explain it properly. In fact, I would just cut it out. It adds nothing to the sentence.

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She was called Jemima Spaceton. She spelled it out on the chalkboard on the first day, the green chalk matching precisely the colour of her eyes.

I like this bit. You used the chalk to put in some description. When I describe people it usually sounds like info dumping. I hate that, but this was done well.

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Her long slender fingers flew over the board as she wrote out the “S” in a wiggly fashion, sort of like this: S.

The "sort of like this: S." part was just unnecessary. I would chop it, but it is your choice of course.

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Unbeknownst (<- Is that a real word?) to Pierre, Jemima gave a cunning smile. He was bending down to tie a loose shoelace and when he stood up again, found himself quite alone, the road going on ahead, vast and desolate. Had he been discovered?

“Ah…I stayed behind in school to do my homework,” Pierre grinned sheepishly at his father, who was crossing his thick, hairy arms and demanding to know just where the heck he had been in the past half-hour.

Whoa! Where did that second paragraph come from? You should put in some kind of indication that time has passed between these paragraphs, otherwise they just lead of from one another. I think anyway. Or is this another matter of choice moment?

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“You never were a good liar, but I’ll let you off for now. You’re awfully sweaty and smelly, boy,” Mr. Cartley wrinkled his nose and strode back to his bedroom. Pierre obediently trudged towards the bathroom, his face twisted in concentration. Should I continue this tomorrow?

No offense, but Mr Cartley sounded like a woman.

Okay, I have finished chapter one. You are a good writer! You can be loads better though. Your editing is better than most I have seen (and that is a lot.) The only real problem I had was that the whole chapter moved impossibly fast. One moment he was in school with that girl, and the next he is walking though a void? That is three chapters of good stuff there! Well, I just give the suggestions. You make the choices. I hope I helped.
~Phoenix.

1. I know I always get awkward sentences popping out. Sorry about that. Ha, was that an awkward sentence in itself? My English is really getting quite lousy.

2. I wanted to write it in Pierre's point of view. He thinks himself this way, and the "or whatever" part matched his personality.

3. You could always try not lumping too much description of a person into one paragraph. Try talking about facial appearance in one scene and clothing in another, for instance.

4. Yes, I'm chopping it.

5. I think "unbeknownst" is a real word, but yes, some time transition is in order.

6. Did he? I'll change it to "Mrs Cartley" then. It feels weird that his father was scolding him instead of his mother, I agree.

I really just wanted to get some action into the first chapter and not bore readers completely. Thanks for this totally in-depth advice, I love it!

Chapter 2- His Purpose

He really was a very comical character, Jemima smiled inwardly as she looked unblinkingly at this young boy standing in front of her. It had been easy luring him to Lushenfurg- he was probably not needed much in his own world, the kind of normal, nice guy that people overlooked.

It was ironic, that his people did not know how much he mattered to them.

So he is important? Hmm. I think you could have held that back a touch longer. We don't really know him well enough to know what to think of this.

She must concede, though, that this Pierre Cartley was quite cute. He had a hazel shade of brown for his hair, freckles littering his oval face, and ocean blue eyes. His eyes gave him an intelligent appearance, as if he had seen much, known much. Which he had not. Then again, she could not be sure of it. For all she knew, this bumbling, clumsy exterior could be just a façade.

He was staring nervously around him now. They were standing in the middle of a dusty road in a sandy desert. Save for a few isolated trees, there was nothing else of note. The road seemed endless. This was certainly different from the town Pierre would be used to. Jemima gave him some time to process his thoughts, chuckling slightly at his puzzled expression.

I need some more description here. Try to get in at least two senses. What he saw is one, but what did he hear? Or feel? Was there a rattling wind for example.

“W-where are we?” he muttered, his face turning very pale.

Jemima replied nonchalantly, (be careful with words like this. Not everyone knows what nonchalant means, so those that don't will feel stupid. Remember, if you think you have used something that sounds smart, you should probably cut it out.) “Oh, we’re just in a corner of Lushenfurg. I expect you learn about it in geography lesson. You know, an alternate dimension that mortals discovered centuries ago during World War I. Or even before that,” she paused, shrugging, “I don’t learn history.”

“Alternate dimension? This is bizarre. They don’t exist.”

Let me reiterate. This is a lot to happen so fast. You have chapters of good stuff here! Don't worry about hooking readers. You goal is to improve to such a great level, you will hook anyone with whatever you write. Remember, a story starts where is starts, and ends when it ends. Don't tell the story just to suit your readers, tell it because it is what you love, and you will stop breathing if you don't.

“Well, I’ve no time debating with you about this,” she said impatiently, beginning to walk briskly down the road, “we’re going to meet a researcher later, and he’ll tell you everything about Lushenfurg, races and whatnot. In fact, we’re running late, and he loathes latecomers.” She left Pierre with no choice but to keep up with her, but his dazed expression told her that he had a million questions flooding his mind. She smiled. This was fun.

She is so sketchy. I love this.

“Just what are you? And why did you bring me here? And what happened to Ricardo’s parents?” he tried asking them anyway, his hands absent-mindedly crawling down his thigh. Jemima had been walking with her maximum speed, which was deemed unnatural to people like him.

“I do hate talking when I walk, so I’ll answer these questions when I want to, alright?” she cried irritably, “I expect we’ll reach Rentwood Town at twilight, so we can take a rest there before proceeding on our journey, and I’ll explain everything to you then.” What a persistent fellow. That was weird. The last bit was like a thought, but it didn't read like one. Italics again? She was sure that Pierre could tell that he was getting no more answers, as he obediently kept mum and concentrated on the task of matching Jemima’s speed, which she was positive was a Herculean one for him.

Twilight came with no one speaking another word. True to her promise, both of them had arrived at a tiny town with a Wild West theme. Residents clad in cowboy gear roamed the streets, talking and laughing. A peaceful town, Jemima called it. She produced an old leather purse and led Pierre into an inn named The Wandering Pony, asking the innkeeper to get them a room. She savoured the shocked look on Pierre’s face for a long time afterward. In his town, teenagers of differing genders seldom rented a room to stay in together for the night. Taking out a big golden talisman, she paid the innkeeper and led Pierre upstairs to their room. Pierre had his eyes tight shut and was touching his forehead weakly.

You hardly gave any detail here. All I know about the inn is the name. And it is an inn.

When he opened them again, Jemima was sitting on a bed, brushing her hair in a bored manner. “You want to know stuff, don’t you?” she muttered, “I’m bored enough now to actually want to tell you, so fire away.” I love the way she talks. The time has come…

Pierre grabbed in a chair, looking annoyed (but very cute still), Developing a crush much? and began his first question, “Er…who are you? I know you’re not an ordinary person, you can’t be.”

Jemima chortled, “You should define that word, you know. I fit in perfectly in Lushenfurg. But I like self-introductions, so here goes…my name’s Jemima Spaceton, but do call me Jem, or Jemmy or Mime or whatever. I tend to prefer the first option, but I have people calling me Jemma, and it’s urgh. You get my meaning?” Of course Pierre did not, so she continued, “I’m sixteen years old and am a member of the Spiral Ring. It’s the name of a political organization, which aims to overthrow the current government, which is a corrupt and disdainful bunch of losers, just so you know. I think that’s all you need to know about me.” There was more to the Spiral Ring than she had let on, There has to be. She is keeping quiet about this. Very mysterious.but Jemima did not see the need to tell him so much yet.

“I know your next question is about how you fit into all this, right? Don’t worry, the Spiral Ring wouldn’t want you even if you offered yourself. And trust me, getting you here was a last resort. We just can’t stop the Mage Council, however hard we try. The Mage Council is a group of mages- a particular race of Man that dabbles in magic- who feels that they are the superior race and all other races, including mortals- the “ordinary” humans that you mean- should be secondary. What’s worse, they’ve recently discovered a way to enter your world, so that they can conquer your land and create a bigger, mage-centred Lushenfurg. Now don’t interrupt, I know you’re thinking about my void. You see, the Spiral Ring has been the only association that knows and guards the secret to the void fiercely. But somehow, a spy let out the secret to the mages, and they’re using it with totally wrong motives. To stop this cataclysm, we need the diary of Joel Jupiter. He was a mortal who lived many years ago, and a hero who did something. I don’t know what heroic feat it was, but the fact remains that his diary contains mystical powers that may curb all evil. Nobody knows if it’s true, but we can only cling on to this hope. They also say that only a descendant of Joel Jupiter can open this diary.” This is good.

Pierre had been silent all this while, looking enjoyably stupid in Jemima’s opinion. At that point, though, he suddenly perked up and remarked, “So you mean…”

“…Nothing,” Jemima murmured flatly, “Joel Jupiter left no descendant. However, he lived for a short period of time in your world, and was close friends with Nigel Cartley, your grandfather. We’re hoping against hope that somehow you’ve a little of the Jupiter magic in your veins. It’s unlikely, but there it is.” She sighed. The journey ahead sounded pointless, now that she said it this way, and it might just be all for nothing.

“Go to sleep now, I’ve told you too much in a day. We’re rushing at dawn to Donn Forest to meet Abraham, our researcher. He’s really knowledgeable, but dreadfully old. He’s fifty, I think.” She yawned and drew the fluffy quilt to her chin. She loved the snug bedding of the Wandering Pony inn.

“Fifty isn’t that old,” Pierre pointed out and switched off the lights. It was just then that he remembered something, and blurted out, “Jem… what happened to the Rice-Favens?”

Jemima beamed, her face shrouded in darkness. She wondered how Pierre was going to take this.

“Have I ever told you that I’m a vampire?” Ha, that was really funny. Well done. She was joking right? If she was, then I think Pierre should suddenly realise this half way through the book. It would be so funny.

Dead silence ensued in the room after that.

Very good. I love this storyline, but it moves a little fast. But you should be proud of what you have here! Question, do you welcome theories?

Oh. Ah.

I wish she was joking, but I really do want her to be a vampire. I've always loved writing vampires.

I think you left out all my italics when you copy-pasted here. And what kind of theories do you mean?

Time to do some edits, I reckon.

First of all, I liked your use of nonchalantly. It is the very best way to describe the character of Jemima.

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Ok, so for the 3rd chapter, I didn't think that the pace was two fast. It seemed to flow very nicely from event to event, but I would have liked to know more about how Pierre was feeling, especially when Jemima began to attack.

This part here:

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Pierre noticed that it had a tiny face, complete with features, but they were not moving, as if they had been made from clay and simply stuck onto the balloon, which resembled a runaway balloon broken off from its string, only ten times larger, and it was black instead of the fancy colours rubber balloons had, like Pierre’s favourite colour for instance, orange.

This is basically one big run on sentence. Try breaking it into two or three, and I would nix the part at the end about his favorite color being orange.

Also, try to include more words to explain how the character said something, so we know what the feeling behind the words is. Did they say it disdainfully? With a laugh? Give us something to go off of.

Yes, it does seem "run-on" now that you mention it. But what's "nix"? Pardon my limited vocabulary.

And which character do you mean? Must I add stuff to all the dialogue?

But sure, I'll heed the first comment now.

Yup, I've tried my best to convey more emotion to Pierre during that period, though I'm not sure how to do that without breaking the flow of events. And I've corrected some typo errors and edited some words along the way.

First off, nix means get rid or cut out. Most people probably wouldn't know that...I don't know why I used it...

And I don't mean that you have to have description to EVERY dialouge introductoin, just enough to avoid sounding like "he said ...." then "she said ...." and so on.

Okay, I'll do my edits now.

I haven't commented on I think the last chapter or two, because I haven't had anything to say that I wasn't beaten to.

What I would recommend as a whole though is to include more scenes that don't contribute to the story progression, but do contribute to character development. For example, a character encountering some random person for some frivolous reason can be used to reveal more of what they are like. An even more specific example would be if Middleton encountered someone on his way through the factory area, for no reason other than to learn more about the character.

You said Middleton was a burly man and all, so I was getting the impression he was a bit of a tough guy, but this sentence in particular swayed that image:

Pen & Paper wrote:

Middleton laughed nervously. He had not gotten over the death of that rat, and felt a twinge of pity for the fool still in the dark.

A big guy laughing nervously, and having trouble getting over a dead rat? If that is meant to be in character for him, then his character could to be established a little earlier so it doesn't seem odd.

Even if there was a part where a factory worker accidentally ran into him, that could show a lot of his character. Would he apologise for not paying attention himself? Would he help the worker up and help him pick up anything he dropped? Would he not even flinch and just ignore him and move on? Would he get ticked off? Would he challenge him to a duel and demand satisfaction?

Since this is a novel, there should be more scenes that don't advance the story, but help establish characters and describe settings.

Oh yes, I see what you mean. I do rush into things quite a bit. And I've always considered big men scaredy-cats for some reason.

I'll think about adding more character tidbits in later chapters, but I shall add more stuff about the dead rat to warrant a nervous laugh.

Alright, so I really liked the way that you started chapter four from the rat's point of view. The fact that the rat is an intelligent creature who is able to deduce many things about his surroundings adds to the feeling that this is a world far different from our own.

In the third or so paragraph you used the phrase 'important-looking place' twice within the span of two sentences. You might consider changing one or both of them to something a little less cumbersome.

Roger. What shall I change it to? Let me mull over it for a while and I'll make the edit later.

I like the idea of a diary entry, but instead of the introductory sentences explaining the diary entry you could mention that Pierre was writing in a diary earlier in the story. Jemima could tease him about it and Pierre could get embarassed. Not only would it make the transition to this new point of view less awkward, but it would also reveal more about the personalities of the characters.

Oh, so you mean I mention it in the earlier chapters? Okay, that sounds good.