Yes, it's quite good. The storyline is fine and the language fluent. However, it isn't exemplary. You seem to lack a bit of emotion to the story. Jackie is young, at risk of being fired, pregnant, her fiance dying, and she is forced to make a sacrifice she is most likely to regret, whatever her course of action. Nobody can take it so calmly, so you must add stronger words, more of her character's thoughts, add impact to the tale.
And yes, the paragraph transition isn't too good at times, but that's not a big problem.