The Evil Within (Phoenix)

You do write well! The personality and emotions of your characters are well-explored, the plot is gripping and the description is splendid. Perhaps if you expanded a bit on each individual character, it would be better, though. Right now, it is difficult to differentiate one boy from another, but if you devote one paragraph to the description of each boy's appearance, character and a short background, readers may get to understand each of them better, and anyone's death would turn out more impactful. Every character has a story of his own, and it would be great if you took advantage of that.

Another thing, I think you used the word "astrologers" in the Prologue wrongly. Astrologers are people who study the stars and predict the future. I believe your lead character's parents should be astronomers?

I completely agree with all of the praise and constructive criticism that Pen&Paper had to offer. Your writing grabs the reader and makes them want to read what happens next. My suggestion would be that to make the Prolouge stand out as a segment of its own you should add a final sentence to either summarize what you have already said or to state the overall theme of the story. Right now the Prolouge feels like it just stops. So far, very good! I can't wait to read more.

I can't believe this. My friend has pointed out the astronomer thing already, so what do I do? I forget it. Never mind. As for the description, I got ten chapters into it and realised I haven't described anyone. I guess my fingers got excited, and I wanted to get to the action. It is definetly something I want to work on, so I am glad you pointed it out.

Thanks for the words both of you. Apreciate it.

Here's just one of the things that jumped out at me while reading the second chapter:

Quote :

The name fitted nicely.

This is improper grammar. The name either fits (present) or fit (past).

Ooh! Thanks for that. Gah!

*Hits forehead.*

I noticed one thing that kinda stuck in my mind after I read it and nagged a bit. How your character described being kept at the station unwillfully, and hating the station captain - and then was given a gun in the captain's prescence. I just felt that that would have been a good point to have mentioned something about any previous escape attempts by the children kept there, or any reactions the others might have had to being handed a lethal weapon right there with a chance to get revenge on the station captain. They of course don't necessarily have to do anything, but they're being trained to fight whilst being held against their will - its only natural that some might not accept and go along with it all, and that of those that did, some might have second thoughts occasionally.

First off, I feel I must tell you this.

Nobody wants to be mean. I hope I get this message in. All of us have our own flaws and qualities, and I'm sure we can still point out how to improve your stuff without resorting to making you cry. It's against Way's purpose for creating this forum, so please accept that we can be nice and constructive at the same time.

Alright, now back to the topic.

The second chapter is quite alright, maybe not as action-packed as the first one, but still very interesting. The only thing that didn't feel quite right is Jon. You seem to describe him as a scared fellow, or something to that effect, but his speech reminds me of a rebellious teen. His personality is quite hard to grasp.

I meant that I don't want anyone to hold back. Tell me what you think. If it is the biggest amount of trash you have ever read, I would like people to say. You have to be cruel to be kind, and it has always, always helped me so far.

Anywho, thanks for your views on Jon. I would like to improve on that.